As some of you already know, I’ve spent a lot of time in the tropics this past year, exploring what life is like in Bali. I’ve had to get super comfortable with riding motorbikes, undrinkable tap water, families of five on motorbikes, 100% humidity every freaking day, children who don’t look old enough to be in school driving motorbikes, territorial geckos who sh!t all over everything, motorbike traffic… did I mention the motorbikes? I’ve also had to make nice with all manner of tropical wildlife. While my Aussie friends seem to be quite comfortable with all the creepy crawlers running around this island (that’s what you get when you come from a country where most of the wildlife is deadly – the worst we have in Canada is bears, and they’re cute when viewed from afar), I’m definitely not as relaxed. My philosophy is, you stay out of my space, I’ll stay out of yours, meaning if I see you out in nature, I’ll give you a wide berth, but if you come into my house, it’s game on. This is the most recent addition to my lineup of questionable tropical experiences. I hope you enjoy it more than I did.

Sunday morning I went downstairs to make a quick brekkie – eggs and toast. Whenever I go to use the toaster or the Vitamix I always, ALWAYS, give them a little jostle first because that particular corner is a favourite hiding spot for the geckos who live in our villa (territorial little fuckers). So Sunday morning I give the toaster a nudge, nothing comes out. I put my toast in and press go.

Maybe 30 seconds later I sense something is very very wrong. I go over to the toaster and give it another bang. Still nothing comes out, but it’s smoking a bit, which seems kind of odd (I’m sure you can guess where this is going and it’s not looking good for the wildlife).

I try to peek in but I can’t see into the dark toaster so I unplug the cord, flip it upside down and what falls out?

My toast.

Ha! You’re getting ahead of me.

I put down the toaster, tiptoe closer, peek inside… AND THERE IS A FUCKING GECKO FRIED IN THE TOASTER!!!

It looks like he got stuck behind the wires. And I’m freaking out because I have NO FUCKING IDEA how to handle A TOASTED GECKO!!

I mean really, is anyone prepared for this type of tropical tribulation?

What am I supposed to do with this fucking toaster?!? I can’t put it back! What if someone uses it? I’m pretty sure gecko guts have got to be toxic (or at the very least, highly unappetizing). But I can’t get the gecko unstuck. So what did I eventually do? I left the toaster on the kitchen table hoping the housekeeper would dispose of it and made a mental note to buy a new toaster. Because while you might be able to convince me to try Vegemite as a spread, I’m drawing the line at gecko. Barf, just barf.

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